I realize in My posts that for much of the time I will have the Dom being a male role and the submissive being female. I mean no disrespect to any who have differing genders for those roles. I simply do so as that is how the thoughts in my head are constructed. Since this is my first post I figured I would tack on this disclaimer.
I was looking over this post here A Kind Dom , and after I had replied to it I wandered the house for awhile thinking. My mother had once told Me a story about My grandfather. She said he had never spanked any of his children. She told me that if she manifested inappropriate behaviour all he had to do was utter one phrase and it would bring her to tears.
"I'm disappointed in you"
In My reply to the post I had read I spoke of a punishment inflicted on a subbie by her Dom. Not physical punishment , but just as strong and effective. I pondered what effect those four words could have. Now I also thought about the phrase "you have displeased Me". I compared the two. I could see the strength in the second phrase. I could see it being used by a Dom when His subbie didn't get her chores done, or didn't perform a task exactly as instructed. A way of saying you have been a bad girl.
Then I went back to the first phrase. I repeated it several times in My head. Next I repeated it out loud several times. Now when I said "I am displeased with you" I could say it calmly with an even tone. When I said "I'm disappointed in you" I could hear My voice change. I could hear the sadness in My voice. I had no intention of adding that kind of emotion to the words. It just flowed. Where I could see the strength of the words in " I am displeased with you" I could feel the power of "I am disappointed in you" to My core.
This led Me to wonder what effect would those words have on a subbie. Hearing those words from her Dom as she knelt at His feet. Hearing that utter sadness in His voice. I have not had a lot of experience with subs, but the few I have spent time with all had a desire to do everything they could to please and not let their Dom down.To strive to live up to the expectations of their Dom. I recently had a friend who takes medication for being Bi-polar go into a deep depressive mood swing because she ran out of her medicine and failed to get the prescription refilled. I stayed on the phone with her. Talked her through getting dressed and going to the pharmacy. I spoke to the pharmacist when she needed Me to. She isn't overly submissive, but at that moment i could tell she needed to be Dom'ed. I took charge of the situation and resolved it. The next day she texted me to let me know about the price of her prescription at a different pharmacy. A task I had given her. I told her she did good. Now I told you that story to tell you this part. Her response to being told she had done well was to reply " I don't want to let you down".
My question to any subs who might read this is what impact would hearing those words, or what impact did hearing those words have on you if/when your Dom said them. How would you feel, or how have you felt. For any Dom's that might read this, and have ever uttered those words how did Your sub react.
For both sides do Y/you feel that those 4 words "I'm disappointed in you" carry more weight when they are spoken than any of the other phrases Y/you have spoken , or heard? What emotional impact do Y/you think they carry with them? I have My own opinions, but would welcome hearing the opinions of others
One note. I in My pondering of phrases did not include "I'm not proud of you." Personally I could never see Myself not being proud of the person I have chosen to claim as My own. so those words I pushed to the wayside and did not include for this post.
-Draugluin
As a submissive, my aim is to never disappoint my Dom, but it does and will happen from time to time. This does not have to be seen merely as a negative experience, as it allows the Dom to be a Dom. Is there such a thing as a perfect sub...would a Dom really want a sub that never requires punishment? Where's the growth in that type of D/s relationship?
ReplyDeleteIf i am in the presence of my Dom when this happens, even before He would express His feelings and/or His emotions with any words, i see it in His eyes and that alone cuts me very deep. He may or may not express his disappointment in words, but He makes sure i am aware of it and it affects me in a couple ways:
1) my heart hurts and feels my own disappointment as my commitment to my Dom was over-ridden by what ever the thing is that disappointed Him.
2) i strive to learn from that particular experience. This is a learning experience every step of the way, so it is important that i recognize the root cause for the disappointment and make an internal (and sometimes external) acknowledgment and recognition of what i did.
3) It allows me to make a new determination...a re-submission and/or even to renew my vow to my Dom. It gives me an opportunity to move forward and grow.
But to answer the question about which phrase would be more effective would depend on the person who receives it. To me, the words disappointed versus displeased has different levels of feeling behind it.
Being displeased gives me the feeling that one has not satisfied something, whereas, disappointment gives me the feeling of sadness and being let down.
Depending on the situation, one phrase may be more appropriate over the other. Will everything the sub does bring sadness and the feeling of being let down? In other words, will there be situations that require training/punishment without conveying a harshness to it?
A sub may not always give their Dom sadness with something they have done or neglected to do and sometimes, the positive thing(s) around the issue can also be stated, so the sub knows what was right and was was wrong at the time of being disappointed or being displeased.
Each D/s relationship is a customized creation that fits and makes sense to that particular Dom and sub. Communication is key, so it would be good to ask the sub what they think would be most effective too. This does not mean the Dom will do what the sub prefers, but it is good to have the knowledge of how each phrase would make them feel and use them accordingly.
kitten is glad to see that things like this are important enough to talk about, for it would appear that so many D/s relationships lack communication of even the smallest things that could fester into something larger.
CHEERS to Draugluin!
kitten for Sir
I don't believe I would ever say that to my wife, even though I think it often enough. Perhaps I should really tell her when I am disappointed in her? But you see, there are many times when I am disappointed in myself, and I don't want to blame other folk for doing something I do myself.
ReplyDeleteWonderful comments. I am training Myself to use the phrase " I am displeased", rather than " I am disappointed" for letting a submissive know that they have not acted correctly. I wouldn't fault anyone else who uses the latter, because each person is different. The latter to Me simply bears so much emotion with it that I would only use it in the most extreme of cases. As with Malcolm when I tell Myself in My head that I am disappointed with myself it cuts deep.
ReplyDeleteTo Me having someone tell you they are disappointed in you is the ultimate way of saying you screwed up.