Monday, May 30, 2011

Not really sure how to title this

It's 6:30 in the morning. I haven't slept. There is just too much going on in my head right now. This has been a hard night for me. My wren cried tonight. I feel like I have failed somewhere. I've missed something. I've let her down.

She and I play Rift. An online game. It's where we met. It's where a lot of our time together is spent. We text a lot during the day and i make sure to call her at least once a day, but Rift is our hanging out time while we are apart. I logged into the game tonight to make sure she was around, and then I called her. I told her I had a question to ask her and I wanted her to  answer honestly. I wanted to make sure she gave me her answer and not the answer she thought I might want to hear. I told her I would be  placing the order for her training collar, and cuffs the next day, and I asked her if she was absolutely sure this is what she wanted. Us.  Me as her Dom, she as My sub, and everything  that comes along with that commitment. She said she was pretty sure. I responded "pretty sure?". She quickly  told me that " No, she was absolutely sure it was what she wanted. I could tell in her voice how excited she was.

We got off the phone after a little bit and went back to  the game.  I took care of  the daily things I do in game. She was busy leveling  an alt in a group with one of our guildies.  Her college classes start back up  on  Tuesday so we discussed an earlier bedtime for her so she wouldnt be dead tired getting up at 6am ( yes she is a lot younger than I am).  ten Pm her time which would be midnight my time We roleplayed with some people we know in game for awhile before she went to bed. Everything was ok at that point I thought.

I went back to the game to finish some things.  One-thirty  my cellphone buzzes from a text message. I look and its wren asking me if I got the picture. Now my first reaction was why the hell is she still up. my second thought was what picture and why had she sent me a picture. I had not asked her for one (wren is bigtime camera shy). I had not heard my cellphone go off before that, but she had sent me a picture.  I hit download ( had to try it several times before it started to download. Fuck you Verizon.). Picture loaded. It was of her fully clothed. Taken in the bathroom mirror with her phone.  The caption  hit me hard. It read " wren decided that sir should have a real look at wren before he placed the order".

Now my wren is heavy. Hell I am heavy, and I have seen pictures of her before. I knew she was heavy. I sent her back a text asking her what about her did she think I wouldn't like. But a text wasn't right. This wasn't something for texts. So I called her. I could hear it in her voice. She was terrified.  I could tell she had been crying.  We talked. She  thought that if I saw she was heavy I wouldn't want her.  She was truly afraid  that once I saw that picture that I would just walk away. The fact that I didn't realize she had sent a picture so hadn't responded for nearly twenty minutes only made it worse.  I reassured her that  I still wanted her. I still thought she was beautiful, and I had every intention of placing the order still.  I did everything I could to put her mind at ease and sent her off to bed.

At first I was upset. After all the times i have told her I wanted her.  All the times I told her she was beautiful and wonderful.  That she would think I was so shallow as to not want her because she was heavy. The thoughts bounced around in my head like pissed off bees in a jar. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had failed her. When I met her wren didn't feel wanted. She didn't feel worth of being  needed. When she was little  her father was... distant. She didn't feel wanted  I had promised her I would make sure that she never felt that way again. I promised her that I would always want her no matter what happened between us. I swore to her I would  never let her feel unwanted... unworthy...unloved ever again.  I don't know what I didn't do. I  missed something. I'm sitting here wracking my brain trying to figure out what.  I don't know what else I could have done, but it doesn't change things. I failed her.  I failed her and she cried.

And now I am crying because I feel like shit. I'm her Dom. I'm supposed to protect her, and watch over her. I am supposed to  make sure she knows... absolutely knows... that she has worth.  That she is wanted and needed.  I promised her I would, and I didn't keep my promise.

I failed her.

Monday, May 23, 2011

An honor received

I received what I consider to be a very rare honor. I have been chosen by a submissive to be her Dom. It is  a strange set of circumstances that brought it about. Which I wont delve into without making sure she is ok with it first. It will be long distance for now, and that will present quite a challenge to maintaining control and keeping things exciting I am sure. However I do love a challenge and accept this one happily.. W/we have known each other for a bit over a month and while things are still in the developing and training stages I am confident things will go well. I have a lot to teach, and she is a very willing student.

I tasked her recently with spending a day or two to come up with three names that she felt good about from which I would choose  what My special name for her would be.  From her list I chose wren. When I asked her why she had chosen wren she responded that a wren was kind of plain, not flashy or colorful. Not anything special to look at.  I knew this was how she saw herself ( yes My wren has doubts about herself, but W/we are working on them). When I told her My choice I explained to her that I chose it because while yes a wren isn't colorful or flashy like a peacock might be, it still has a beauty all its own. Even though a wren is a tiny little bird it can fly and soar just like an eagle can.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Some people got it, and some people ain't

For Me there are two types of people. Those who  are a part of TTWD, and those who aren't. The two sets of course have subsets. Dominants, submissives, vanillas, clueless ( these are those people who have absolutely no freaking clue about TTWD except what they see on CSI about the serial killer who is into kinks) and of course each of those subsets have subsets. For today we are going to concentrate on the subsets of those who are dominant, and those who AREN'T. You will understand why I capitalized that in a moment. When I say those who aren't I am not including those who could be, or maybe have  some dominant hidden away in them, and of course  this doesn't involve submissive people.  This is about the partners of oh so many submissives out there who just do not have a Dominant bone in their body. Whether it is they dont get it, they don't want it, or they just don't care about it. No matter what you do or say they are never going to  be Dominant.

But wait you say. Some people can change and become Dominant. No. We aren't discussing those people. See those people somewhere inside them have a little bit of Dominant just floating around waiting for the right time to burst forth. See now I was one of this kind of people. It was in Me, showing itself at times, but it took a subbie friend to shine the light of knowledge upon me and open my eyes to what I was. I also want to be clear that i am not putting down those who got passed over for the Dominance gene ( once again this is not including the wonderful submissives out there. Put away the pitchforks). It's just that I get so frustrated and want to pull My hair out every time I see a submissive partnered in whatever relationship with a non-Dominant and they are unhappy.. I absolutely hate to see the pain and anguish that so many go through in this kind of situation. They fanatically hold out hope that  their love and desire for it will miraculously bring about change in their partner.

It's... not... gonna... happen! People do not change because you want them to. They change because they want to. And if it just isn't part of their makeup they aren't going to want to change  to be what you want them to be. They may try it out every so often when you mention it/beg them/scream at them/ throw random household objects at them ( your choice). but  after a few days or weeks they are right back into the same old behaviour. its comfortable for them. Its what is right for them, and no matter how many times you pull them kicking and screaming out of that comfort zone they are going to eventually go right back into it.

Don't get me wrong. i am not trying ot be mean here. I want people to be happy. Unfortunately 99 times out of 100  one or both people in these kind of relationships are not happy. There is that rare case where they are able to bring in a third party, but usually jealousy puts a fast end to that discussion.  The unhappiness can range from mild annoyance , to frustration, to being downright miserable. Oh and for those who say i'm not miserable. Yeah. I have news for you. If you spend some nights curled up in a ball crying your eyes out, and other nights with both of you screaming and at each others throats.. you are miserable. For the past ten years I have seen it over and over again.

Now am I saying that  if you ask your partner once to spank you and they  don't really seem into it that you should start tossing clothes into the designer luggage? Hell no! However you need to be truthful with yourself. When your heart tells you things are not going to change and things are not going to work out you have to listen. That is not giving up. Its not failure. Its reality and being truthful. There is nothing wrong, no matter how many years you have been together, with saying "We just aren't right for each other". There is no shame in that. I am all for going not only the extra mile, but the extra thousand miles to try to make a relationship work.  Yet sometimes no matter how badly you want it the reality of it is  that two people are not always meant to be together. I was married for 17 years. I know all about long term. In the end I had to just to end it, because she and I were just not right for each other. Did it hurt? Gods yes. Do I regret it? Not for a minute. She is now happy, and I am now well on My way to being happy.

There's a tshirt, or bumpersticker, or somesuch that says "I'm not looking for Mr. Right. I;m looking for Mr. Right Now. Well sometimes after one, or five, or ten, or even thirty years Mr./Mrs. Right can turn out to be Right for then, but not Right for now. It can take a lot of strength to stay in a relationship when its going badly, but failing to leave a relationship that just should not be is allowing weakness to keep not only you  but also your partner from truly being happy. You have a choice to make. Do you remain unhappy, or do you give both of you the chance to find someone who matches the wants and needs you have for a perfect relationship and to be happy?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The little things

Its the little things that count as the saying goes. It's true in everyday life, but even more so in a D's relationship. Since a D/s relationship is going to have everything a vanilla relationship will have, and the extras of  TTWD ( I can't remember whose blog it was I first saw that one, but I do hope they don't mind me using it) the little things can grow to become biggr things even faster. They can also mean much more than what it would first seem.

Seeing a couple walking and his finger is hooked through her back belt loop on her jeans. In vanilla it would just be seen as a cute loving gesture. In D/s it goes beyond that to  include a measure of control. The Dom making a public gesture of control that isn't overt to anyone who doesn't realize its significance.One D's couple that whenever they walked in public instead of holding hands He would hold her wrist. A little thing, but so much meaning to it. A couple at a party. She looks everyone else in the eye when she talks to them, but when she talks to Him her eyes are always downturned. A vanilla wouldn't give it a second thought yet to someone who knows it speaks volumes. to go even deeper into that example when she smiles it isn't the nervous smile of fear that one might see if she couldn't meet his eyes because of abuse. It's the happy smile of being content in being claimed. A tiny subtle difference, but one I feel that  a person with a D/s background would easily recognize where  someone outside the lifestyle wouldn't. I often think that Doms/Dommes would make amazing profilers because We need to be attuned to the little things. The tiny changes in Our subs that speak volumes to us.

What got me thinking on this  was a talk I had with a friend last night. she seemed out of sorts. Different than normal. When I asked her about it she revealed that her Domme was out of town for a month due to a family emergency and she was feeling unfocused.  We talked for awhile. she asked if feeling that way was normal for a sub. she hadn't had to ever face a long parting from her Other. she said she didn't know any subs in real life to ask. I told her that yes, it was normal. Just that little affirmation of yes she was normal and not being silly seemed to take a huge weight off her shoulders.

In thinking over the conversation I had with her later in the night I thought about the little things that can make such a huge difference.  As will often happen a slightly random, but still relevant thought will pop into my head, and that is what lead me to " May I". Two little, tiny words that have such a huge and deep meaning. A vanilla wouldn't think much of them, but in TTWD they are so powerful. An almost absolute transfer of power. Giving over one's ability to choose to another. The trust in that person to not only make decisions, but to make  the right decisions. Two little words that can shape a life. That can define a person. That can establish a relationship.  Two little words that can change your life.

It's the little things that matter