It's 6:30 in the morning. I haven't slept. There is just too much going on in my head right now. This has been a hard night for me. My wren cried tonight. I feel like I have failed somewhere. I've missed something. I've let her down.
She and I play Rift. An online game. It's where we met. It's where a lot of our time together is spent. We text a lot during the day and i make sure to call her at least once a day, but Rift is our hanging out time while we are apart. I logged into the game tonight to make sure she was around, and then I called her. I told her I had a question to ask her and I wanted her to answer honestly. I wanted to make sure she gave me her answer and not the answer she thought I might want to hear. I told her I would be placing the order for her training collar, and cuffs the next day, and I asked her if she was absolutely sure this is what she wanted. Us. Me as her Dom, she as My sub, and everything that comes along with that commitment. She said she was pretty sure. I responded "pretty sure?". She quickly told me that " No, she was absolutely sure it was what she wanted. I could tell in her voice how excited she was.
We got off the phone after a little bit and went back to the game. I took care of the daily things I do in game. She was busy leveling an alt in a group with one of our guildies. Her college classes start back up on Tuesday so we discussed an earlier bedtime for her so she wouldnt be dead tired getting up at 6am ( yes she is a lot younger than I am). ten Pm her time which would be midnight my time We roleplayed with some people we know in game for awhile before she went to bed. Everything was ok at that point I thought.
I went back to the game to finish some things. One-thirty my cellphone buzzes from a text message. I look and its wren asking me if I got the picture. Now my first reaction was why the hell is she still up. my second thought was what picture and why had she sent me a picture. I had not asked her for one (wren is bigtime camera shy). I had not heard my cellphone go off before that, but she had sent me a picture. I hit download ( had to try it several times before it started to download. Fuck you Verizon.). Picture loaded. It was of her fully clothed. Taken in the bathroom mirror with her phone. The caption hit me hard. It read " wren decided that sir should have a real look at wren before he placed the order".
Now my wren is heavy. Hell I am heavy, and I have seen pictures of her before. I knew she was heavy. I sent her back a text asking her what about her did she think I wouldn't like. But a text wasn't right. This wasn't something for texts. So I called her. I could hear it in her voice. She was terrified. I could tell she had been crying. We talked. She thought that if I saw she was heavy I wouldn't want her. She was truly afraid that once I saw that picture that I would just walk away. The fact that I didn't realize she had sent a picture so hadn't responded for nearly twenty minutes only made it worse. I reassured her that I still wanted her. I still thought she was beautiful, and I had every intention of placing the order still. I did everything I could to put her mind at ease and sent her off to bed.
At first I was upset. After all the times i have told her I wanted her. All the times I told her she was beautiful and wonderful. That she would think I was so shallow as to not want her because she was heavy. The thoughts bounced around in my head like pissed off bees in a jar. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had failed her. When I met her wren didn't feel wanted. She didn't feel worth of being needed. When she was little her father was... distant. She didn't feel wanted I had promised her I would make sure that she never felt that way again. I promised her that I would always want her no matter what happened between us. I swore to her I would never let her feel unwanted... unworthy...unloved ever again. I don't know what I didn't do. I missed something. I'm sitting here wracking my brain trying to figure out what. I don't know what else I could have done, but it doesn't change things. I failed her. I failed her and she cried.
And now I am crying because I feel like shit. I'm her Dom. I'm supposed to protect her, and watch over her. I am supposed to make sure she knows... absolutely knows... that she has worth. That she is wanted and needed. I promised her I would, and I didn't keep my promise.
I failed her.