Monday, May 30, 2011

Not really sure how to title this

It's 6:30 in the morning. I haven't slept. There is just too much going on in my head right now. This has been a hard night for me. My wren cried tonight. I feel like I have failed somewhere. I've missed something. I've let her down.

She and I play Rift. An online game. It's where we met. It's where a lot of our time together is spent. We text a lot during the day and i make sure to call her at least once a day, but Rift is our hanging out time while we are apart. I logged into the game tonight to make sure she was around, and then I called her. I told her I had a question to ask her and I wanted her to  answer honestly. I wanted to make sure she gave me her answer and not the answer she thought I might want to hear. I told her I would be  placing the order for her training collar, and cuffs the next day, and I asked her if she was absolutely sure this is what she wanted. Us.  Me as her Dom, she as My sub, and everything  that comes along with that commitment. She said she was pretty sure. I responded "pretty sure?". She quickly  told me that " No, she was absolutely sure it was what she wanted. I could tell in her voice how excited she was.

We got off the phone after a little bit and went back to  the game.  I took care of  the daily things I do in game. She was busy leveling  an alt in a group with one of our guildies.  Her college classes start back up  on  Tuesday so we discussed an earlier bedtime for her so she wouldnt be dead tired getting up at 6am ( yes she is a lot younger than I am).  ten Pm her time which would be midnight my time We roleplayed with some people we know in game for awhile before she went to bed. Everything was ok at that point I thought.

I went back to the game to finish some things.  One-thirty  my cellphone buzzes from a text message. I look and its wren asking me if I got the picture. Now my first reaction was why the hell is she still up. my second thought was what picture and why had she sent me a picture. I had not asked her for one (wren is bigtime camera shy). I had not heard my cellphone go off before that, but she had sent me a picture.  I hit download ( had to try it several times before it started to download. Fuck you Verizon.). Picture loaded. It was of her fully clothed. Taken in the bathroom mirror with her phone.  The caption  hit me hard. It read " wren decided that sir should have a real look at wren before he placed the order".

Now my wren is heavy. Hell I am heavy, and I have seen pictures of her before. I knew she was heavy. I sent her back a text asking her what about her did she think I wouldn't like. But a text wasn't right. This wasn't something for texts. So I called her. I could hear it in her voice. She was terrified.  I could tell she had been crying.  We talked. She  thought that if I saw she was heavy I wouldn't want her.  She was truly afraid  that once I saw that picture that I would just walk away. The fact that I didn't realize she had sent a picture so hadn't responded for nearly twenty minutes only made it worse.  I reassured her that  I still wanted her. I still thought she was beautiful, and I had every intention of placing the order still.  I did everything I could to put her mind at ease and sent her off to bed.

At first I was upset. After all the times i have told her I wanted her.  All the times I told her she was beautiful and wonderful.  That she would think I was so shallow as to not want her because she was heavy. The thoughts bounced around in my head like pissed off bees in a jar. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had failed her. When I met her wren didn't feel wanted. She didn't feel worth of being  needed. When she was little  her father was... distant. She didn't feel wanted  I had promised her I would make sure that she never felt that way again. I promised her that I would always want her no matter what happened between us. I swore to her I would  never let her feel unwanted... unworthy...unloved ever again.  I don't know what I didn't do. I  missed something. I'm sitting here wracking my brain trying to figure out what.  I don't know what else I could have done, but it doesn't change things. I failed her.  I failed her and she cried.

And now I am crying because I feel like shit. I'm her Dom. I'm supposed to protect her, and watch over her. I am supposed to  make sure she knows... absolutely knows... that she has worth.  That she is wanted and needed.  I promised her I would, and I didn't keep my promise.


I failed her.

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Sir, you have not failed her. You have just come face to face with a ghost that has been lurking in her brain for a long time.

    On the up side, this means you've gotten into her head.

    On the down side, this means you may have some ghostbusting to do.

    You cannot be mild about this--ghosts don't respond to mild-manners and tenderness. This is where you are the Dom--the unbreakable strength and truth that she will cling to as she helps you battle it.

    You love her? Then TELL HER. Tell the ghost. Be firm. Be harsh. She has to know you mean it. When she cries, hold HER, but remind her that you are not comforting that ridiculous notion.

    I hope some Doms jump in here with advice for you.

    From experience I can say that the WORSE thing you can do is back off, after having met this ghost. She will argue with you, even try to defend the ghost (it's been with her for a long time) but if you love your wren, you must be strong and determined.

    I hope some Doms jump in with some advice.

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  3. I agree with DB, as a plus size woman myself I totally understand what she did. She needed to make sure one last time that you truly wanted her after you saw her the way she sees herself. I am sure there has been a man in her life that rejected her because of weight and she wanted to give you one last chance to say no before she totally gave herself to you. I know because I just did the same thing myself so I know exactly how she feels.
    Just keep doing what you doing, show her you desire her, want her and she will feel confident with you and her choice.
    Good luck.

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  4. Draugluin,

    Sometimes insecurities are hard habits to break. You know You did everything You could to make sure she knows You think she is PERFECT for YOU. The way she feels about herself goes deep and has been there long before You got there, so it will require patience, which kitten knows You have. Reassurance is one thing, but she needs to be happy and love herself...

    When my Sir and i got together, kitten was not where she wanted to be with her weight and He sensed it. When He had me rope in a Japanese dress, did i hate the bulges that it made on me, HELL YES, but He insisted that He loved it and He demanded i see myself through His eyes: flawless.

    W/we are all a work in progress, and to help in my changing my habitual thought process about my weight, He had me do morning rituals in front of the mirror, which included me being naked in submission position, looking at myself and seeing myself through His eyes: Beautiful, Sexy, Curvacious. He had me do this day after day and guess what...kitten started to appreciate all that she is and realized He loved me exactly the way i had come to Him.

    Does kitten still want to lose some weight? Sure, but not for anyone else but me. It is a personal goal to be able to look and feel healthier than i am, but it is not to look and feel any different inside, for i am PERFECT for HIM.

    p.s. You mentioned You were heavy...has she seen You yet? Perhaps that would help or at least be fair...

    Wishing You well,

    kitten for Sir

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  5. Sir,

    i hope i'm not overstepping, but there's a fantastic fiction book you both might enjoy. It's about (the beginning of) an M/s relationship between a Dom and a woman who thinks of herself as heavy. The things He says (and does) are really on-target...and it does take Him a while to overcome her insecurities. i know it's fiction, but it sounds like you both have great imaginations, and if nothing else, it's definitely a fun (and hot) read:
    http://www.amazon.com/Master-of-the-Mountain-ebook/dp/B002Z7ESI6.

    Sometimes Lyon and i read erotica like this together, which is what prompted me to comment. Again, hope i'm not overstepping. This kind of thing is difficult to discuss/work through in our (silly) culture.

    Wishing Y/you both the best,
    kytten

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  6. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their comments. They have all been wonderful and very helpful. Wren and I had a talk the day I posted this and things seem to be on the right track. She read all your comments as well. She has tole Me that she wants to get rid of this ghost We will be working very hard to do so. She has asked to modify her morning ritual to include kitten_for_Sir's mirror suggestion, and I will look into the book that kytten suggested. Again thank you all

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